Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice, or
by Miki-N-Daxxi
Summary: Hermione Makes a Porno!Warnings:Dom!Hermione, Slave everyone else…'cept Snape, Dumble-bashing, Ron-bashing,character death,character resurrection,author bashing,language,slash,scenes of a sexual nature,crazy random crossovers,Fourth wall? What Fourth Wall? Also, Snape never died.Deal with it.The Order has won.Voldemort is dead. Hermione seeks to "re-educate" former deatheaters.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All of the Harry Potter characters and parts of the Harry Potter world belong explicitly to JK Rowling. We make no money off of this. We only borrow the characters for our own twisted amusement.**

* * *

**"You ever make things happen, Harry? Anything that you couldn't explain?"**

**"Well, old men tend to follow me a lot…it's like I have this power over them."**

* * *

**Harry Potter and the Serving of Justice, or:**

**Hermione Makes a Porno**

_The Order has won. Voldemort is dead. Former deatheaters and their children are being sentenced to re-education at the hands of the victors. Hermione is in charge of the re-education of Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini…in addition to being in charge of most of the wizarding world. Justice, in general, is being served._

Draco glanced at the clock mounted upon the stone wall of his shared room.

'Three minutes,' he thought to himself.

He sat on the edge of his rather narrow bed, nervously drumming his fingers on his jiggling leg.

He glanced at Blaise who was currently pacing back and forth. His eyes met Blaise's for a moment. They each looked, uncomfortably, away, color scorching up Draco's neck.

He resumed his drumming.

Somewhere in the distance, a door slammed and both boys jumped, freezing their anxious activities. The sound of high heels clicking against the cold, stone floor grew steadily louder as the person approached the room. A less distinct, shuffling step could also be heard.

Again, Draco looked to the clock.

'Right on time,' he thought, his eyes travelled over Blaise, and he quelled his sudden, curious desire to smirk.

'This is not a smirking situation,' he reprimanded himself, sneaking a look a Blaise, as if afraid that the dark-skinned, handsome boy might secretly be an accomplished legimens.

Blaise looked over at Draco. The footsteps had come to a halt. The door creaked open to reveal a cloaked woman and a man, several paces behind her, whose face was obscured by shadow. Although the woman's face was also hidden, previous experience and bits of frizzy brown hair escaping the confines of the hood left Draco with no question as to the identity of the cloaked female.

"Well, Granger," he drawled in a voice displaying more confidence than he truly felt, "I see you decided that we were too much to handle by yourself. Last time too much for you? You might want to check yourself. Your inferiority is showing."

He paused.

"Oh, my mistake. That's your hair."

He forced a laugh.

"Who's your friend?" He gestured to the figure behind her.

Blaise remained silent, shifting his weight nervously.

Hermione drew back her hood, looking directly at Draco, her lips quirking into a smirk worthy of any Slytherin. Without looking back or moving her eyes from Draco's, she spoke to the person behind her.

"Why don't you make yourself known?"

The figure hesitated and stepped into the light, revealing an uncomfortable looking Harry Potter. He glanced at Hermione, then at Draco and Blaise. Harry opened his mouth as if to speak but then, seemingly, thought better of it and shifted his gaze back to Hermione.

The two stepped into the room. Hermione closed the door, muttering a locking charm under her breath. Draco did his best to glare and appear unconcerned at his venerably wandless position. Blaise merely looked frightened.

"Well," said Hermione brightly, "you were a bit resistant to following my instructions last time, so I thought I'd bring…reinforcements."

Draco glanced at Harry.

'Bollocks, she doesn't need reinforcements,' he grudgingly admitted to himself. The witch was an artist with her wand, although her resistance to using Unforgivable Curses on himself and Blaise left him confused. If she wanted him to follow instructions, why didn't she just _make_ him?

As if reading his mind, Hermione cheerfully continued, "I'm sure if I were a deatheater, it would be much easier to simply use the Imperious Curse to get you to do what I want. However, that is part of why I am here. We of the Order do not resort to the Dark Arts to get others to follow," she smirked again, "we have…other methods."

She removed her cloak, leaving Draco, Blaise, and Harry staring in shock. Hermione Granger stood before them wearing a tight, black-leather dominatrix outfit, black stockings crisscrossing their way out of her knee-high boots and up her toned legs.

"Hermione! What do you…" Harry stopped short as Hermione proceeded to transfigure her wand into a matching leather riding crop.

Draco and Blaise merely stood agape, their eyes round as saucers in shock.

"Now," spoke Hermione softly, "where were we? Oh, yes! Draco, you were resisting my education tactics." There was that smirk again. "Not today. Draco, kiss Blaise," she commanded sweetly.

"Fuck you, mudblood!" spat Draco.

Hermione's eyes flashed dangerously, and she tightened her grip on her transfigured wand.

"_What_ have we told you about that word?" she asked. "It is no longer a part of your vile vocabulary! Harry! Punish him!"

"Hermione," started Harry as he raised his hands in protest, "WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN HERE? You never said you were using _this_ kind of tactic with their re-education!"

Hermione sighed and gave him a pitying look.

"Oh Harry, hun, I'm helping you out…of the closet."

"W-w-hat?" spluttered Harry. "The closet? I, er, you know that my aunt and uncle stopped making me stay in my cupboard years ago…"

"Harry, how long have we known each other? Do you really think I wouldn't know? Harry, you're gay. I think it's about time you came to terms with it."

"What about Ginny?" protested Harry, "she's a girl and, um, stuff."

"Why do you think you like Ginny so much? She's flat as a boy, smells of quidditch, and looks like her brothers."

Harry stared at her in shock.

"Now," she said, looking at Draco, "Malfoy, you have been a very," she beat the riding crop into her hand, "bad," she narrowed her eyes, "boy. Harry, PUNISH HIM!"

Harry started forward but stopped himself, unable to do anything but stare at Hermione in wonder and amazement.

'_Gay_,' he thought, '_am I gay_?'

Hermione gave a loud sigh of exasperation at Harry's failure.

"I'll do it," drawled Severus Snape as he stepped out, suddenly, from behind a stone pillar.

"AAAHHHHHH!" screamed Harry, Draco, and Blaise in unison, Harry jumping several feet into the air as he was startled out of his internal dilemma of sexual ambiguity. The boys looked at each other.

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM?" demanded Blaise.

"I've been here the whole time," said Snape as he rolled his eyes, "I was holding the camera." He held up the magical camcorder for emphasis.

Hermione strode purposefully over to Snape, wrapped one leather-booted leg around him and licked his face.

The boys stood frozen in shock, their jaws practically grazing the floor as they struggled to recover from this visual and mental whiplashing. Harry looked as though his brain might never properly function again.

"Now!" barked Hermione, pointing, her leg still wrapped firmly around Snape's waist, "Resume! I want this porno to be my crowning glory of smut!

"PORNO?" balked the boys, brains still writhing in shock.

"Of course. Brilliant, isn't it? Who wouldn't pay major bucks to see the heroes and villains of Hogwarts fuck each other's brains out?" Hermione confirmed. "I see nothing wrong with turning a bit of a profit while improving the world. Then we can finally afford to paint the classrooms of Hogwarts the various shades of pink I've always envisioned."

"Longbottom!" called Snape, interrupting her digression.

The face of Neville Longbottom came peering around the side of the pillar from behind which Snape had seemingly materialized, looks of anticipation and dread fighting for domination across his face.

"Longbottom, you are to be the lube boy and fluffer for this piece of pornographic cinema," announced Snape.

"But," started Neville with a crestfallen look, "I wanted to be the costume designer."

Snape gave a sigh of disdain that he reserved especially for Neville. "Longbottom," he snarled, "there will be no clothing in this porno. Everyone will soon be taking off their clothing."

Snape's cloak billowed as, with a sweep of his hand, the boys' vestments vanished, and a chill came over the room. Harry tried to cover himself in embarrassment, while Draco simply looked down at himself in approval and puffed out his chest.

But Neville was not so easily discouraged. "Or make-up artist," he piped.

"Too bad," replied Snape. "Now, fluff! Potter looks like a windsock on holiday!"

Neville gave a sigh of disappointment, scuttled over to Harry, and began to fluff. Harry blushed.

"I don't know how I feel about this," Harry stammered.

"I do," said Draco, suddenly. "Longbottom, fluff me. If I'm going to be on film, I better look my sexiest."

"No," exclaimed Hermione, suddenly. "No fluff for Malfoy. He likes it."

A pouty look crossed Draco's face and he looked concernedly to his nether region. 'Have to do it myself,' he thought resignedly.

"Can I get a fluff?" asked Blaise, unexpectedly.

Hermione swept her gaze up and down Blaise's well-formed body, resting a thoughtful finger on her check.

"Yes," she conceded with a smile, "you can. Neville, keep fluffing Harry. I want to give Blaise a more…personal touch."

Blaise's color darkened, but he made no protestations.

"I'll pay a lemon drop to watch this," said an unexpectedly familiar voice. The group stopped abruptly, everyone spinning about. There, by the supposedly locked door, stood the supposedly late-Albus Dumbledore.

"WHY WON'T YOU STAY DEAD?" screeched Hermione, coming at him, nails raking.

Dumbledore recoiled, covering his face. Snape held her back.

Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling creepily. The boys and Snape gave a knowing shudder.

"Didn't you think that my familiar taking the form of a phoenix had **any** significance at all?" Dumbledore asked in disbelief.

Everybody turned at once to stare accusingly at JK Rowling who was sitting in the darkened corner, counting her money. JK looked up, unconcerned.

"What?" she asked. "I made him gay, didn't I?"

* * *

**Meanwhile…****back on the ranch, er no...we mean, ****in a meadow somewhere…you know, near the hovel in which the Weasleys live.**

Ron Weasley was bored as he walked through the field that he and his siblings often used to practice quidditch. He was home alone, and there was nobody to listen to his whining. This upset Ron. He had a lot to vent.

His stupid brother, Fred, had to go and die. Now, nobody would pay attention to him. It was always 'How's George feeling?' or, 'How is George coping?' What about _him_? What about Ronald Billius Weasley? He was **poor**, damn it! Did anybody ask how he was coping with THAT? Of course not.

Just then, something caught his eye. It was a colorful, fluttering butterfly. Ron gave a giggle and gleefully followed the whimsical insect…off a cliff. He gave a scream which was cut abruptly short.

There was a moment of absolute and utter silence. Then, a resounding voice echoed from the cliff.

"**WE FIND YOUR SACRIFICE ACCEPTABLE**," proclaimed the Cliff Gods and promptly spit back Fred.

Fred looked about, slightly dazed.

An overwhelming, "SQUEEEEEEEEE," was audible as the collective Weasley twin fangirl society rejoiced.

"Huh," said Fred, nonplussed, and wandered off to find his twin.

JK Rowling came running, winded, onto the field and over to the cliff.

"Hello," appealed JK to the Cliff Gods, "um, what about respect for CANON?"

She waited, listening for their answer. They remained silent.

However, a slight din could be heard, growing alarmingly louder and closer. JK's eyes dilated in fear as a huge mob of Weasley twin fangirls ran screechingly closer. She braced herself for impact.

Instead of the shower of pointy rocks and sharp, glittery finger nails she was expecting, in a surprisingly gracious move, the fangirls simply glommed her, carrying her off to the Ministry of Magic for her long overdue trial.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ministry of Magic- Courtroom Ten**

JK stirred uncomfortably in the chair to which she was bound. She silently cursed herself for writing the chair into the story line. This rather sucked.

"The Honorable Hermione Granger presiding," a voice rang out. JK quickly looked up to see Hermione walking, decked out in judge's robes, to her place on the bench.

"Why are you in charge of _everything_?" cried JK, frantically.

"Well," started Hermione, "it's either me, or the Red Queen."

She gestured to a chair down the row where an angry looking, richly dressed woman was pointing and screaming, "OFF WITH HER HEAD! OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

JK shuddered.

"I'll take you," acquiesced JK.

"That's what I thought," smirked Hermione. "Now," she said, consulting the papers in front of her, "JK Rowling, you stand accused of the heinous crime of Killing Twin!"

A hiss rippled through the mostly fangirl audience.

"How do you plead?" she inquired.

"Of course I killed him," replied JK hesitantly, "it was part of the story line and…"

The rest of her comments were drowned out by the angry buzz growing in the court room.

"You willingly separated twins by death?" asked Hermione incredulously, her skin paling.

"YOU SEE?" cried the Red Queen, "She freely admits her guilt! OFF WITH HER HEAD!"

There was a murmur of agreement through the audience. Hermione silenced everyone with a stern look that would have made McGonagall proud and, in fact, did as Professor McGonagall was sat just in the third row.

"In light of your confession," said Hermione gravely, "I find you guilty. I shall confer with a jury of your fangirl audience to determine your sentence. This court is in recess." She banged her gavel for dramatic effect.

She stood up and, gathering her papers, walked out of the court room, closely followed by five brightly dressed fangirls, one of whom appeared to be a slightly older woman, wearing fake fox ears.

JK sat in shock. What the bloody hell was going on? She waited, as it appeared to be her only option. She tested her manacles gently, and the magical chains tightened at her slight show of rebellion.

About a half hour later, Hermione and the five fangirls filed back into the court room. The five girls finding their seats while Hermione remained standing, looking down at JK.

"JK Rowling," Hermione began, "upon your guilty verdict, while many were in favor of capital punishment," JK swallowed, "we have decided upon a more lenient sentence. I hereby sentence you to an eternity of reading poorly written, grammatically incorrect Voldemort/Ron/Dudley slash fiction!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed JK in a cry on unholy terror as the chains of the chair released her to the care of the dementors who, in an effort to meet the newly popular fangirl demand, had new, sparkly robes in every color of the rainbow.

This accomplished nothing but patronizing the agony which those in the care of the dementors inevitably felt.

Among the murmurs of approval heard throughout the court, Hermione heard a voice, "Man, what a bitch! Hermione is so unfair! WON WON AND LAV LAV FOREVER!"

Hermione looked up sharply to see a girl dressed in a t-shirt bearing Ron Weasley's visage upon it. With an astounding Jedi leap over the crowd, Hermione landed lightly in front of the offending girl.

"You!" she pointed. "You shut the fuck up or I will stick you in a porno cell with Buckbeak and Hagrid!"

The girl paled and shut the fuck up.

"She'd do it, too," commented Blaise from the cage beside Hermione's seat on the judge's bench.

Hermione's head whipped around, and she sashayed over to Blaise, stroking him fondly through the bars.

"But not to you, Precious," she simpered. Blaise twitched slightly.

"Now that that business is over with, we can get back to making our re-educational porno!" exclaimed Hermione.

"You know, Hermione," drawled Snape from his previously unnoticed throne at the back of the court room, "I can't help but feel that there's something missing from our work…a certain…_spice_."

A whimper of fear sounded from the blond man wearing the collar attached to the lead in Snape's hand. Lucius Malfoy quivered at his master's feet, the word 'spice' sounding ominous to his ears. Snape looked down at him and shook his head reassuringly. Lucius gave a sigh of relief and resumed his preening.

Hermione looked thoughtful. Missing? What could be missing? It still bothered her that Voldemort had perished without her getting a whack at his punishment…er….re-education. She firmly believed capital punishment, in this situation, was wrong. Everyone has to die eventually, so why not make the journey to death as painful and unpleasant as possible? She stopped in her thoughts and smirked. Sometimes she thought Hogwarts sorted too early.

She looked around the court room at the familiar faces of Snape and Lucius. Then it dawned on her…Sirius and Lupin! This was going to require some thought and careful planning.

"Oh, Severus," she called.

Snape winced.

"Sev? Sevvie?" she wheedled. "Wanna help your 'Mione?"

"Shit," said Snape, avoiding Hermione's eyes.

"Snape! Oh, Snape! Why aren't you looking at me, Snape?" she questioned as she circled him. "Oh, Sevvie-poooo-"

That got him. He winced again.

"**Don't** call me Sevvie-poo."

"Look!" said Hermione, holding her laptop in front of his face. "I just Googled the most popular slash pairings for the Harry Potter fandom. In order for us to turn a decent profit, we have to cater to the fans of these pairings," she read, " Harry/Draco, Lucius/Snape, Harry/Voldemort, Remus/Sirus, Fred/George, Remus/Sirius/Snape, Voldemort/Lucius, and…" her eyes widened in disgust, " Harry/Ron?! Fuck that! We are not doing that! In fact, can we kill Ron again?"

"It's on the 'to-do' list," Snape assured her. "Hermione, I'm just the camera man in this porno…right?"

"Yes, yes, sure. Of course," said Hermione, distractedly, as she continued to peruse the internet. "What the hell is this? Cedric/Edward? Who is Edward?"

"TEAM EDWARD FOREVER!" came a high-pitched shout from the court audience of fangirls. This caught Hermione's attention, and she watched in bemusement as a blur that was the older fangirl with fox ears bolted, at speeds surprising for one of her girth, over to the Twilight fan and proceeded to pummel her with a heavy-looking purse.

"Shut up!" screeched the fox-eared woman. "TEAM JACOB! JACOB! JACOB!" The thudding of her purse punctuating her cries.

"Fascinating," remarked Hermione.

**Later- at the cliff of Ron death**

Hermione stood, facing the cliff ledge, a crowd of people stood behind her, watching. She threw open her arms in an appeal to the cliff gods saying, "Oh, cliff gods! We present to you, PERCY…and a number of other distasteful characters."

She looked behind her as Lavender Brown struggled in the grip of the glitterfied dementors. She looked at Hermione, tears streaming down her face.

"Why are you doing this?" she sobbed. "Is this because I flaunted it when I was dating Ron? I thought you didn't even like Ron!"

Hermione chuckled and patted her on the head.

"Oh, I don't. But I don't like you, either. The fact that you're named after not one, but two colors grates on me like none other. Only animals should be named after colors." She smiled, "Animals are fitting sacrifices."

Lavender's eyes widened in terror.

"Don't worry," continued Hermione, "your death shall not be in vain! It's all for the greater good."

She paused, recognizing the significance of those words and smirked.

Snape gave respect snaps from behind her.

"I think a see a butterfly," commented Harry, offhandedly, staring toward the cliff.

Draco tightened his grip on Harry's leash.

"Oh, no you don't," said Draco.

"Why the hell am **I **the one on the leash? I thought the former death eaters were the ones being punished. Aren't I the hero?" asked Harry.

"Hush, pet," crooned Draco. "You look cuter in the collar. Besides, I'm much more sadistic than you. It's only fitting."

Harry looked appealingly to Hermione who shrugged.

"You know you like it, Harry," she said.

Harry settled back on his haunches, mumbling under his breath. He supposed he _did_ kind of like it.

A glittery cloak caught her eye, and Hermione turned her attention back to her victims just in time to see one of her dementor minions sucking on Percy's soul like an extra-long spaghetti noodle.

"Hey!" barked Hermione with a glare. "You'll have plenty of victims! These ones are sacrifices for the Cliff Gods!"

The offending dementor somehow managed to look abashed (despite having no visible face), holding out Percy's limp form, as if offering her a taste.

"No," Hermione waved it off, "I'm cool. You may as well finish him."

She turned to Lavender who cowered.

"Now," said Hermione, "where were we?"

Just then, a roll of thunder shook the ground, and lightning crackled in the sky, making Hermione's hair stand even more on end.

A resounding voice rang out once again.

"**HOLD IT. HEY, BITCH. YOU CAN'T DUMP YOUR TRASH HERE. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A LANDFILL TO YOU?**"

The color drained from Hermione's face. Who the hell did these assholes think they were?

"What," she asked in a deadly whisper, "did you call me?"

"**BITCH**," replied the voice of the Cliff Gods unconcernedly. "**WE WILL NOT COOPERATE WITH TERRORISTS. DO YOU KNOW HOW HORRIFICALLY ANNOYING RON IS? WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO ENTERTAIN THE NOTION OF ACCEPTING MORE OF YOUR POSSE. HE WON'T QUIT BITCHING- EXCEPT WHEN HE EATS. EVEN THEN, IT'S ONLY WHILE HE SWALLOWS…AND WE THOUGHT LISTENING TO PRAYERS WAS IRRITATING…**"

"If you weren't Cliff Gods," growled Hermione, "I'd kill..er…reeducate you."

"**ANYWAY**," continued the Cliff Gods, "**WE'RE NOT CUTTING ANYMORE DEALS**."

Hermione gave a sigh of exasperation and pushed Lavender off the cliff anyway. She looked toward the sky.

"What was that last bit?" she asked, blinking innocently.

If non-visible gods could gape in astonishment, that's what they'd be doing. But they can't. Let's not be ridiculous in our anthropomorphizations, shall we?

Hermione gave a little gesture.

"Sevvie, walk with me. I'm bored. These Cliff Gods are boring. Anyway, I think it's about that time in our relationship where you get me something shiny." A look of suspicion flashed across Snape's face.

"Hermione," he replied in a guarded manner, "we don't have that kind of relationship. You know I'm not into that kind of-"

"I _meant_," Hermione interrupted, "that you need to get me Sirius and Lupin back so they can 'ship in front of me."

"Oh," Snape breathed in relief, "that kind of shiny. Alright, Miss 'I'm the smartest witch of my age,' how do you propose we do that now that you've pissed off the Cliff Gods?"

"Well," she started, fiddling with her hands behind her back and twirling her foot in the dirt, "you know how I had that time turner back in third year? Weeell, I sort of obliviated the guy who I was supposed to turn it in to and gave him new memories of himself using the time turner in acts of illicit gay sex in an airport bathroom. He was so frightened, he never mentioned how it went missing to anyone…I think he's in a home or something now…but that's another story. Anyway, long story short, I still have it."

"Let me get this straight," Snape said, "you've been up to this sort of thing since third year?"

She nodded affirmatively.

"Yes," she said, "I also used the time turner to go back and trademark the name 'Harry Potter.' Where do you think we get the funding for indisputable control over the wizarding world, not to mention my extensive vinyl and leather collection?"

Snape stared, awestruck, blinking discoordinatedly. He recovered.

"I did always wonder about that. So, what's the plan?"

Hermione looked at him as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"We're going to use the time turner to go back in time and stop Dumbledore before he destroys the Resurrection Stone horcrux." She smirked. "Assemble the Weasley Beater Taskforce."


	3. Chapter 3

**In Headmaster Snape's Office**

Snape gave a sigh of exhaustion as he settled back into his chair behind the headmaster's desk of Hogwarts. He put his feet up on the desk, placed his hands behind his head, and allowed his eyes to fall shut. He massaged his temples and attempted to organize his thoughts.

"Wait," said a random student who was standing conveniently next to Snape's desk, waiting to help along the story's narrative, "you're headmaster?"

Snape's brow furrowed.

"Of course," replied Snape without opening his eyes. "Remember? I never died."

The student shrugged.

"Well, I think everyone figured that Hermione just ruled everything."

Snape's eyes flew open, and he jerked out of his chair, pointing a bony finger at the student.

"Quiet, fool!" snapped Snape. "I'm her Grand Vizier!"

The student looked confused.

"Like Jafar in Aladd—?"

"NO! Nothing like that!" barked Snape as he hastily stuffed Iago the parrot into his desk.

"SQUAWK!" said Iago.

"Now, get out of my office! Who do you think I am? I have no lemondrops for you!" He rummaged in a drawer. "I have peppermint sticks."

He pelted the student with candy.

"Now leave!"

The student blundered out of the room, protecting his eyes from the candy barrage.

The door of a cupboard squeaked open, and Hermione popped her fluffy head out, struggling to drag a bag filled with the former headmaster's prized possessions out after her.

"So," inquired Hermione as she rummaged through the sack, "is giving candy to children part of the headmaster's job description?"

Snape propped his elbows on the desk, intertwined his long fingers and looked at Hermione

with a grave expression on his face.

"Actually, yes." He replied. "Section Twelve, paragraph four, line two."

"Huh, oookay…"

She thought of the old headmaster— Dumbledore, that twinkly-eyed bastard.

"Is pedophilia in there too?" she asked.

Snape shook his head.

"No, it says, 'One must get inside one's students in order to know them….' Everybody interprets Section Twelve differently."

"Right," said Hermione, dumping her loot bag in a corner and dragging a seat over to Snape's desk. "Well, moving along…where is the task force? I require shiny."

Snape consulted one of the whirling instruments on his desk.

"They should be here any minute," he said.

Just then, there was a cacophony of thuds on the other side of the headmaster's door. It sounded like a multitude of primates banging into each other and squabbling.

"Flying monkeys?" speculated Hermione.

"I think the Weasleys have arrived," said Snape with a quirk of his eyebrow.

The door banged open and in filed Ginny, Fred, George, and Charlie Weasley.

"Why do the Weasleys look like a biker gang?" asked Snape, watching in casual fascination as Ginny wiped some blood from her nose with a motorcycle-gloved hand and sniffed in so hard that the air whistled through her nose ring.

Fred and George mock saluted.

"Mission ready!" they announced in unison.

Hermione eyed the twins, taking in their attire.

"Why are you wearing studded leather trench coats? It's conspicuous."

"What we have under them is more conspicuous," they replied suggestively.

Hermione sighed.

"Just take them off," she commanded.

The twins looked at each other, smirked, and shrugged. Everyone watched curiously as the twins removed their coats to reveal a pair of very naked Weasley twins. Well, naked with the exception of the black Harley Davidson bandannas on their identical, red heads.

"Matching tattoos?" noted Hermione in an inquiring tone.

"They're part of a series," explained Fred.

"So, may I ask? Why are you naked under your trench coats?"

"Oh," said George, "we have a twincest photo shoot after this."

"What?" cried Hermione in irritation. "I told you, no side contracts! You are in my porn company! Wait, how much money do you make? We'll discuss this later."

The twins grumbled to each other and slipped back into their matching coats.

She addressed the group before her.

"So, thank you for—"

She paused to glare at the twins who were still grumbling. Noting her penetrating look, they reluctantly fell silent.

"Thank you for coming. Let me explain the plan."

She reached in her robes and pulled out the time turner on an exceedingly long, delicate chain.

"Three years ago, Dumbledore brought a horcrux back to his office. This particular horcrux was the fabled Resurrection Stone, housed in a ring bearing the sign of the Deathly Hallows. Attempting to destroy it, the old coot couldn't resist its power and put on the ring. Fortunately for all the young wizards of the British Isles, the ring poisoned him and assured his eventual demise. However, Dumbledore did succeed in destroying the ring right after this incident. That's why timing is so very important. You need to arrive back on this spot, three years ago, right _after_ he's poisoned himself, but _before_ he's destroyed the ring."

Hermione paused, looking about to make sure everyone followed her. Ginny was already cracking her knuckles.

"Now," she said, holding up the chain of the time turner, "I'm going to put this chain around all of you and bring you back to the appropriate time. As soon as you get there, I need quick, efficient action. I don't care how you do it. Get the ring, and get back into the chain. You have seven minutes to accomplish— FRED! GEORGE! STOP TOUCHING EACH OTHER AND PAY ATTENTION! This is important, damn it!"

Fred rolled his eyes, and George grudgingly shoved his hands back into his _own_ pockets.

Still eyeing the twins, Hermione continued, "You have seven minutes. Don't fail me."

She put the chain around them, leaving the time turner operation in Charlie's care. The Weasleys flickered and disappeared for a moment and then, suddenly, reappeared- splattered with blood and other unidentifiable liquids.

"Are you okay?" inquired Hermione.

"Oh, fine!" Ginny assured her. "This blood isn't ours."

"Did you get the ring?" Hermione pressed urgently.

"Uh-huh," said Ginny, reaching into her jacket and pulling out a bloody finger with the ring still adorning it.

She tossed it to Hermione. Hermione caught it, grinning malevolently.

"Excellent. Did everything go smoothly?"

"We were brilliant!" declared Fred.

"Yeah," agreed George, "we were all like, 'BLAM! That's for being a pervert! KAPLOW! That's for your creepy eyes, you geezer!' And he was all like, 'Oh! Please stop! Have mercy!' Lulz."

Charlie snickered in remembrance, spinning the time turner on his finger. Hermione held out her hand, and he passed it back to her.

"So," Charlie looked at Hermione, "now what?"

"Now," said Hermione, "we bring back Sirius and Lupin."

She cleared her throat and continued, "I have two theories about how this thing works…So, I thought we'd have a test first."

"And on whom do you propose testing that thing?" inquired Snape from behind his desk.

"I thought we might test it on Hedwig. You know, as a surprise for Harry. Draco tells me he's been a very good boy and is learning lots about being _DoS_."

"What's _DoS_?" asked Fred.

"It's Japanese slang for 'Big Sadist'," promptly replied George.

"Why do you know that?" Fred asked his twin.

"Why do you _not _know that?" retorted George with a hint of resentment. "Death has really changed you."

"I'm sorry, what?" asked Fred at the window from which he had just tossed out some of the miscellaneous clutter from Dumbledore's shelves. There was a scream and a crunch from the innocent bystander upon whom it had fallen.

George smiled, and his eyes welled with tears at the beauty that was his twin's mind.

"N-n-nothing," he choked and ran over to hug him.

"ANYWAY!" pressed Hermione loudly, "Hedwig, yes, Hedwig."

Everybody pressed close to watch as Hermione made some complicated hand signs and wand movements over the ring.

There was a blinding flash of light and un-dead Hedwig poofed into existence, yawned, blinked her round, zombie-owl eyes and flew into the air, attempting to claw out Snape's eyes.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEECH!," said Zombie Hedwig. (Zombie-owl translation: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!)

"Get it away!" cried Snape, scrambling under his desk.

"Awwww! It's adorable!" exclaimed Ginny. "Maybe I should kill my pygmy puff, Arnold, and resurrect him again…"

"Hmmm…" said Hermione, thoughtfully tapping a finger against her cheek. "Okay, so method one brings back evil zombies…now for method two!"

She grabbed the ring, turning her back. Everyone peered, trying to see what she was doing, but then there was a sudden POOF of dark purple smoke. There was much coughing. As the smoke cleared, a figure became visible.

"LUPIN!" chorused everyone.

"Lupin! You're back!" enthused Hermione. "Wait. Where's Sirius? And furthermore, where's your shirt? Wait, you look good! Being resurrected has taken years off your appearance!"

Lupin tossed his silky hair.

"Yes," he said, "well, why do you think Cloud looked so good? Using all those phoenix downs- Asian beauty secret.

"Hey!" cried the Japanese boy band Arashi. "That's one of our secre—"

"Hush," interrupted a particularly boyish-looking member, called Nino. "We have others."

"Damn it, Arashi!" shouted Hermione. "I told you! Asian boy bands are NOT allowed in this fic! Weasleys, it is part of your job to keep them out!"

"But," protested MatsuJun, pointing at the sexy sitting atop the headmaster's desk, filing his nails, "Heechul's here!"

"I'm sorry. I stand corrected. _Japanese_ boy bands are not allowed in this fic," replied Hermione as if it were obvious that Koreans would be the exception to her rule. "Those strict Korean dance practice schedules and mandatory military service _really _do the body good," she commented with a lingering stare at Heechul.

Fred and George looked interestedly at the rather pretty Korean boy who they _had_ noticed when they first entered the room but had been too busy touching each other to inquire about.

"Yeah," said Fred. "Who _is_ he?"

"You don't know who he is?" exclaimed Ginny, incredulously. "Did you not see the posters in my room? I have a Super Junior shrine! How could you have missed it? He's only like my Kpop god!"

"Super Junior?" questioned Charlie.

"Kpop?" inquired Snape.

"Korean music!" snapped Hermione, looking at Ginny for reassurance that the males in the room were merely being moronic. "It's only the best thing since chocolate!"

"Super Junior is only one of the most popular groups on the planet!" exclaimed Ginny, in a completely unbiased fashion.

"Better than cheesecake?" asked Charlie.

Heechul looked up.

"Of course I'm better than cheesecake, slave." Heechul sent him a particularly pants-wetting smirk.

"Yes," said Charlie, wiping the blood that had gushed suddenly from his nose. "I think I see now."

"So why is it OK for Heechul to be here and not us?" asked Arashi.

"It's because I'm pretty," answered Heechul, batting his eyes and sticking out his tongue at Arashi. "Also, the writers of this fic married me in M.A.S.H."

"Both of them?" asked MatsuJun.

Heechul looked down.

"Yes," he said quietly.

"You had to touch a female body?" asked Nino in horror.

A collective shudder ran through Arashi.

"That's disgusting," said Nino, pinching another member's ass.

And with that Arashi disappeared in a large puff of sparkly, gay smoke.

"Oh, great," said Snape dryly, "now there's glitter in my tea."

Hermione looked at Lupin, the resurrection stone, back to Lupin. She tore her eyes away from Lupin's pore-less face.

"But where's Sirius?"

"Hmmm…"considered Lupin. "I didn't see him at the death party."

"There's a death party?" gaped Hermione.

"Did I say death party? Why would I say that? There's definitely no death party, and there's definitely no cake at this party that doesn't exist…and it's certainly not delicious. This isn't the death you're looking for," he waved his hand, "move along, move along."

Hermione scoffed.

"Jedi mind tricks only work on the feeble minded."

"Damn," said Lupin. "Anyhow, I didn't see Sirius. I don't think he's actually dead."

"But he fell behind the veil…"

Lupin considered this.

"Perhaps the veil isn't what we just assumed it was without investigating other possibilities whatsoever. Why did we think it killed him in the first place? Because Dumbles said so?

Hermione facepalmed.

"Fuck. We must go through the veil."

"We're going to Narnia?!" asked Mr. Tumnus from the office wardrobe excitedly. "Yay!"

"No, we're going through the veil, not the wardrobe."

Mr. Tumnus pouted and proceeded to do goat-like things.

"Were you going to eat this shoe?" he asked Fred.

"Hey!" said Fred. "My foot's still in that! It kind of tickles." He poked Mr. Tumnus firmly with his wand. "Stop that!"

"I need to plan and do some research," said Hermione as she gazed out the window in contemplation. "We'll meet back here this time next week."

* * *

**That evening at Hermione's house**

Hermione was getting ready for bed when she heard a knock at the door. Toothbrush sticking out of her mouth, she glanced in annoyance at the clock.

Quarter to midnight.

"Who the fuck…" she questioned, foamy toothpaste flying from the corners of her mouth.

She rinsed, wiping her mouth on her flannel sleeve. The knock came again. It sounded as though someone were knocking on her newly painted door with some sort of phallic object…staff, cane, or glass dildo…she hadn't decided yet.

Pissed as hell, Hermione flung open the front door, wand at the ready, to reveal an elderly man in white robes, his eyebrows so long, they extended past the rim of his wizard's hat. Hermione's mouth gaped.

"Gandalf the White?" stammered Hermione in disbelief, looking at the staff he had used to knock on her door.

He inclined his head.

"The character Dumbledore was so poorly modeled after?" she pressed.

There was a rustling from a bush behind Gandalf, and Dumbledore burst out of it, brandishing his withered, blackened hand.

"I am no Gandalf doppelganger!" He yelled.

Gandalf sighed at the interruption, turned, and rapt his staff smartly on the ground crying, "WIZARD! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

The ground split beneath Dumbledore's feet, and he fell into the fiery chasm to his death. Gandalf brought his hands together, and the chasm closed.

Hermione grinned broadly, watching the white wizard run his fingers over his incredibly long eyebrows, smoothing them.

The crickets resumed their chirping.

"I found this lurking in Middle Earth," he said, dragging a young Tom Riddle Jr. into view by his ear. "I think it belongs to you."

Hermione smiled in sick pleasure. Her eyes wide, she looked directly at Gandalf.

"Thank you," she said, taking Tom's ear between her fingers, all the while never breaking eye contact with Gandalf, "I'll take good care of it."

She tilted her head creepily to the side, and Gandalf shuddered.

"Well," said Gandalf, "I'm off to Narnia. I hear there's some lion there stealing my Christ-figure thunder. Gandalf out."

And with that, he jumped onto the back of an eagle that dropped down out of the sky and flew out of sight.

Tom and Hermione stared at the sky, looking at the spot where Gandalf had been.

"That," said Hermione, "was freaking awesome."

"Word," agreed young, sexy Voldemort.

Hermione turned her head slowly as her attention shifted to the evily handsome boy whose ear

was currently pinched between her fingers. She smirked.

"Slytherin?" inquired Sexy Tom Riddle.

Hermione simply gave a low laugh that sent chills running down Tom's spine.

"You know, having a nose really helps with your sex appeal," she commented.

Tom blanched.

"I didn't have a nose?"


	4. Chapter 4

**Back in the Slytherin Dungeons- 3 days later**

Hermione sat at a desk, research books on the subject of magical fabric piled so high around her that she was practically hidden from Harry's view.

Snape, Draco, and Lupin were shirtlessly brewing potions in a cauldron over the fire while Fred and George filmed.

Zombie Hedwig loomed on one of the ornate, if somewhat dusty and cobweb-ridden, chandeliers above. She was securely fastened to the ceiling by a chain to prevent zombie-owl brain om nom-age.

Hermione rubbed her eyes. She'd been researching what to do about Sirius for the past three days. She needed a break. She looked up from her research to see Harry standing next to her, poised to ask something.

"Yes, Harry?"

"Hermione," wheedled Harry, "can't you bring Ron back? Now that we have the resurrection stone, we can bring him back to life. Pleeeease? He's my best mate!"

Hermione sighed.

"It's not that simple, Harry. He was given to the Cliff Gods in exchange for Fred…"

Harry made puppy dog eyes. Damn it. Hermione hated it when he did that.

She sighed again.

"Fine!" she said and fiddled with the resurrection stone.

There was a great POOF of dark purple smoke, and there stood a very confused looking Ron Weasley.

"Eh?" said Ron, looking around. "I'm back! Cor!"

"Ron!" exclaimed Harry. "I'm so glad to see you!"

Tears welled in Harry's eyes as he looked at his best friend, newly returned from death.

Ron did a double take, looking at the sight of Harry on the long lead attached to Draco's arm as Draco frolicked shirtlessly about the cauldron with the others.

Harry had rather liked his black, studded leather chaps when he picked them out this morning, but now he was second-guessing himself. Did studded leather really go with a pink feather-tickler?

"Er…Harry?" started Ron, uncertainly. "What's going on?"

Harry blushed.

"Oh, well…about that…you see, I've recently come to the realization that," Harry looked toward Draco, "I'm gay and, um, I like to be dominated?"

Ron stood there, mouth gaping. His brain seemed to be searching for a synapse with which it could connect.

Harry fidgeted nervously as he waited for Ron's reaction. It was not going to be good. He braced himself as Ron's ears were quickly turning a lovely shade of baboon's ass red.

"You're WHAT? Honestly! I'm dead for, like, five minutes and all at once you're gay?"

Ron laughed in disbelief.

"It wasn't enough for you to be the effing savior of the effing Wizarding World. OH NO!" He gesticulated madly. "You've got to be gay! You are such an attention whore!"

"Look at me!" mimicked Ron in a high pitched voice. "I'm Harry Potter, and I can't stand not being the center of attention! Look at me, everybody! I'm a puff!"

Harry stood, frozen in astonishment. This was not the reaction he'd be hoping for.

Hermione facepalmed beside him. She'd been doing that far too frequently lately.

Fred and George looked over from their potion filming.

"So, Hermione," started George.

"With this resurrection stone you can revive people at any time, right?" finished Fred.

Hermione raised her eyebrow.

"Yeeees…" she replied.

Fred and George grinned mischievously and looked towards Harry for approval.

"Fine!" said Harry. "You can kill him…again."

Ron heard none of this because he was still ranting with elaborate gestures.

"Good boy!" Draco praised his boy-toy.

George sauntered over to Ron as casually as an evil twin could.

"Here," he said, interrupting Ron's tirade, "try one of our new products from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes!"

"Okay!" said Ron, distracted from his diatribe, and greedily shoved the candy into his mouth. He waited, and his nose began gushing blood.

"This is lame, guys! This is the same as your Nosebleed Nougat!"

"Nope!" said Fred, strolling over to join them. "This one's different."

"How so?" questioned Ron as he waited, trying to detect a difference. "I don't get it. Give me the antidote half now."

The twins grinned.

"That's the difference," they chorused. "There's no antidote."

"WHAT?" panicked Ron. "What are you waiting for? Go develop one!"

Fred and George look aghast.

"What?" questioned Fred.

"And deny us our fun?" pressed George.

"Oh for shame, little brother," they chimed together, joining hands and skipping away, leaving Ron groping on the floor, turning white as he bled. He clawed his way over to Hermione, appealing to her for help.

"Ronald!" scoffed Hermione. "You're bleeding on my new boots!"

Ron twitched.

Draco looked at Harry with a hint of respect. He made his way over to Harry in a seductive fashion, distracting Harry from watching Ron convulse on the floor.

"You've done well today, Pet," he said, trailing a seductive finger down Harry's chest and fingering the waist band of his trousers. "Shall we go claim your reward?" he purred with a smoldering look.

Draco started down the hallway, toward the door. He stopped and turned to glance back at Harry, confirming that Harry was, indeed, watching his ass. With a look at Ron twitching on the floor, Harry wiped a small strand of Draco-inspired drool from his lips and walked purposefully after the Slytherin boy, ignoring the strangled gurgling sounds coming from Ron's throat. To his surprise, Harry found himself fighting a small smile and followed the clacking of Draco's stiletto boots out the door.

"Aren't you going to resurrect him?" asked Snape in a tone which conveyed mild curiosity, rather than concern.

"I'll get to it," said Hermione dismissively. "Call in Young, Sexy Tom Riddle!"

Snape rang a little golden bell. Voldemort walked into the room, magically forced to obey the bell's summons. He was doing his best to seem timid and shy- it's not very effective.

"Voldie," Hermione addressed him, "I've decided your re-educational punishment."

Voldemort waited on tenterhooks.

"You're going to be my new GAY BEST FRIEND!" flailed Hermione.

"But," protested Voldemort, "I'm not gay…"

"Run, you fool!" said the ghostly shade of Dumbledore.

"What the fuck did I say about stealing my thunder?" asked Gandalf incredulously from the other side of one of Hermione's huge stacks of research books. The point of his wizard's hat and tips of his eyebrows were all that were visible.

"Nice shirt," remarked Hermione, eyeing his ruffled pirate-esque blouse Gandalf had donned.

"Thanks. Right now, I'm Gandalf the Gay."

He looked at Dumbledore in a threatening manner, as if daring him to debate who was gay first.

Dumbledore cowered.

"But," protested Dumbledore, "I want Grindewald!...or school boys!"

Hermione walked over and bitch-slapped the ghost of Dumbledore.

"Don't confuse being gay with being a pedophile! You disgust me," she snarled.

"But I'm not gay!" reiterated Voldemort, drawing attention back to himself.

Hermione grinned like a Cheshire cat.

"You will be…you will be. It'll be like the Paris Hilton show, but actually good!" She pressed a button on her desk and spoke into little metallic box. "Draco, share your hair gel!"

"Hey," came Draco's voice from the little box, "I don't share my hair gel!"

"It's true," confirmed Harry's voice, also coming from the box.

Hermione ignored them.

"I will give you a new, gay nickname!" she addressed Voldemort. "Jus…er…Joseph Bieber! Now, for the gay spell! _Penus affinius!_" A plume of glitter and smoke, which looked suspiciously similar to that in which the Japanese boy band Arashi had disappeared, shot out of Hermione's wand and went right up Voldemort's ass.

Snape shuddered.

"I'm so glad you like me," he said.

'PEeeeeeennnnnisssss,' thought New Sexy Gay Riddle's mind.

'Preeeeeciousssssssss,' thought a randomly inserted Lord of the Rings character.

* * *

**A Break in Research and Tea Party Fun~**

Seamus Finnegan crouched outside the door of The Room of Requirement. For some reason, Hermione had forbade anyone's coming into the room that evening. She said something about 'girls' time' and needing a break from researching how to get Sirius back. Being a healthy young man, this did nothing but inspire Seamus' curiosity.

He pressed his ear against the door, attempting to hear what was going on inside the room. Just then, he heard what he's been hoping for— obscene noises of pleasure. He knew it! He knew it all along! Girls' night, indeed!

Just then Snape walked by, spying Seamus crouching there beside the door with his eyes bulging.

"Professor Snape!" Seamus slowly turned his head, eyes still bugging to look at the passing professor. "Do you hear this? What are they doing in there? Are they…? You know…"

Snape stooped besides Seamus, listening intently. Then, with a swift motion, he smacked the Irish boy upside the head.

"Silly twat!" spat Snape. "Don't you know that noise? It's just dessert time. Get your mind out of the gutter."

He moved to open the door.

"No!" said Seamus. "Don't! What if they're…you know…starkers?"

Snape merely rolled his eyes and opened the door.

A silence fell upon the room as the girls looked up, frozen, forks poised mid-air above obscene quantities of cheese cake.

"Hermione," Snape declared, "I want some. Now."

Seamus looked shocked and a bit disappointed.

"But," he stuttered, "I thought, you know, those noises…"

Hermione gave an exasperated sigh.

"This is called Hermione MAKES a Porno, not Hermione is IN a Porno. Idiot," she scoffed, accepting a slice of cheese cake from the Mad Hatter.

"Severus," she said, "it's girl time. Now leave."

"But," argued Snape, "the Mad Hatter is here."

Everyone paused in their actions to look at the Mad Hatter who was buttering some watches.

"Yes," said Hermione, sipping her tea, "well it's Johnny Depp Mad Hatter, isn't it?"

"Obviously," said Professor McGonagall as she gnawed on a girthy biscuit.

"Moron," stated Luna Lovegood, matter-of-factly as she stared off into the nargle-infested distance.

"By the way, Luna," said the Fox-eared fangirl, "if Draco were straight, I totally would have shipped him with you in my fics. You both would have been head students, shared a bathroom and had tons of awkward misunderstandings."

"Thanks, I think…" responded Luna, uncertainly. "I was destined to be with Cedric Pattinson…but I think something happened to him…he was eaten by nargles, I think."

"No, Luna," sighed Hermione, "we've been over this. He was raped by Fenrir, and then the werewolves finished him off, remember?"

A thought bubble of remembrance appeared over the table, and the girls looked up to watch the flashback.

**Flashback**

_ "Say it!" demanded Fenrir as he pounded into Cedric Pattinson._

"_NO! NO!" screamed Edwar…er…Cedric._

"_SAY IT!" repeated Fenrir._

"_Vampires don't sparkle!" sobbed Cedric. "Why is HE safe?" he demanded, pointing at Jacob Black who was standing nearby, enjoying the show._

"_Hello?" Jacob rolled his eyes and pointed to his abs._

**The girls eating cheesecake below the flashback bubble nodded approvingly.**

_Just then, the Korean pop superstar, Bi Rain, wandered into the flashback and backhanded Jacob. Jacob looked at Rain, his eyes huge, touching his cheek where Rain's hand had been._

_ "He's my idol," gushed Jacob. "Just look at those abs! You could grate cheese on them!"_

_ "Damn straight!" declared Rain. "Although washing clothes is more commonly requested," and with that, he wandered out of the flashback and back to Korea to do sexy things._

_ "Ow…ow…ow…" _

_Everyone's attention drifted over to the girl who was walking repeatedly into a wall._

_ "Oh, Bella," sighed Jacob._

"**Why's she doing that?" asked Hermione from below the flashback bubble.**

_Jacob shrugged, looking down from the flashback bubble._

_ "She's clumsy. Also, the author gave her character no depth, so it's her one defining attribute."_

_Bella turned her head while still colliding repeatedly with the wall._

_ "I guess my brain will never work right," she simpered. "Ow…ow…ow…"_

_Just then, Fenrir threw down Cedric Pattinson._

"_Edwaaaaard!" screeched Bella as she stared, frozen, at the sight of her sobbing stalker sparkling in the sunlight._

_ "I'm done with this pathetic twat," declared Fenrir as he gestured to his werewolf brethren who were waiting for their cue. "You may have him, now."_

_ "SWEET!" gushed one of the werewolves with an accent which appeared to be from the American South. "Let's do some V! It gets you soooooo high, man! I did it once back in Louisiana."_

_The pack fell upon Cedric Pattinson, draining him of his blood. Then there was a terrible screech._

_ "HOLY SHIT!" shrieked one of the werewolves, "I thought we were going to get high! I'm just SPARKLING NOW! I'M HIDEOUS! DON'T LOOK AT ME!"_

**"Why do they always think sparkling is ugly?" pondered Hermione below the flashback bubble.**

_Just then an eccentrically dressed Japanese man stepped out from nowhere. _

_ "Helloooo, sparkly ones," said the man. "My name is Johnny Kitagawa. I run an entertainment company in Japan, specializing in boy bands. You have just the right amount of gay sparkle. Have you ever considered a career as a Jpop idol?"_

_The werewolves glimmered in the sunlight as they considered this._

_ "What do we have to do?" questioned one of the pack._

_Johnny raised a suggestive eyebrow and handed them a contract to look over._

_ "You have to 'take it'…daily," he said simply._

_The wolf pack looked confused._

_The Hermione of Memory wandered onto the scene, grabbing the contract and gave it the once over. _

_ "Take them," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand and passed the contract back to the wolves._

_Looking over the contract, one of the werewolves glanced up._

_ "What does this 'non-disclosure policy' entail?" he asked._

_Johnny smirked and merely ushered them away._

_The movement of the sparkly werewolves had apparently caught Bella's eye. She tore her sight away from Cedric Pattinson's corpsified body to stare at the shiny._

_ "Ooooh! Sparkly!" she said as she chased after them._

_ "See?" declared the fox-eared fangirl as she glommed onto Jacob's arm. "She doesn't deserve you," she purred._

_Jacob looked uncomfortable._

"_Aren't you, like, 35, and, like, married with children?" he asked._

"_Hush," said the fangirl as she put a meaty finger against his lips, "no words are needed in our relationship."_

"_Relationship?" blanched Jacob._

"_I have bumper stickers on my SUV that say 'Team Jacob'…I'm on your team." _

_She attempted to flutter her eyelashes but only succeeded in looking like she might be having a minor stroke. She tightened her grip on Jacob's arm. He shuddered._

_Jacob was distracted from his disgust as a tiny girl of about two or three years old wandered over to tug on the fangirl's sleeve. She was holding a mobile phone._

"_Mommy! Daddy__ phoned and said that__ you forgot to take your __meds__ this morning…"_

_The fox-eared fanwoman gave the toddler a glare of death._

"_Tell Daddy that mommy is busy and that he had better have fixed the modem by the time I get home because I'm supposed to be leading a raid in my guild tonight! Now, go wait in the SUV…crack the windows or something…it's not that hot."_

"_Awkward…" whimpered Jacob._

**End flashback**

"Oh yeah," said Luna airily. "Now I remember what happened to Cedric. It was so long ago, I had forgotten…"

Hermione looked at her in mild irritation.

"That was like 45 minutes ago!" she cried.

"So long," agreed Luna, nodding her blond head.

"What happened to that werewolf-man-boy?" Hermione asked the fangirl.

"He's in my SUV with The Girl. I had to leave him there since you said this was an all-girls party," she pouted.

Hermione tapped her finger thoughtfully against her chin.

"Hmmm…let's go see him. I think I need his help."

Hermione, Snape, and the fangirl trooped down to the field on the cliff overlooking the school lake where the SUV was parked under a group of trees. Lupin and Blaise were already there, practicing their wrestling moves together.

The fangirl unlocked her car and opened the door, a wave of heat rushing out of the car to greet them. Sweatily, Jacob and the toddler tumbled out, looking parched. The fangirl ignored her daughter and swooped over to Jacob's side, pawing at his glistening body.

Their reunion was interrupted by a loud wail. Everyone looked up to see Bella poised at the edge of the cliff, ready to toss herself over the edge.

"I know Edward will come back and save me!" cried Bella.

"Who's Edward, again?" asked Hermione.

"She means Cedric Pattinson," clarified Snape.

"She does this all the time," sighed Jacob.

With an extra loud wail, Bella threw herself over the cliff. A tentacle shot out of the blackened waters of the lake, quickly dragging her under.

The group quickly looked to Jacob, as if expecting him to rush to try to save her. Jacob didn't move.

"Sooo not making that mistake again," he said.

The fangirl stroked him fondly but was all at once distracted by a tug at her sleeve.

"Mommy," said a small voice, "I'm thirsty…"

"There's a can of Red Bull in my purse," said the fangirl dismissively.

There was that tug again. She sighed.

"What?"

"But…Mommy, Red Bull makes my teeth feel funny…like chalk…"

"Well, you can either drink the Red Bull, or stop complaining. Mommy is busy right now, Emily."

The girl cowered and struggled with the can but eventually managed to pop the top. She chugged the contents thirstily. The effect was almost instantaneous. The girl practically hummed with energy and proceeded to spin about, making strange noises.

Hermione was visibly annoyed.

The girl was apparently running through her repertoire of irritating sounds that she could make with her mouth. The child giggled with crazed delight.

"Ooooh! I see fairies! But…they're falling…! I better clap to make them better!"

Hermione had had enough. She crouched down to toddler level.

"Listen, small progeny of annoying Fangirl," she said. "Everything you've ever heard about fairies is a lie. In fact, laughing gives them cancer, and clapping makes them die." She smirked.

The child's brain simply stopped trying to function and flat lined. She collapsed in a heap on the ground.

"Finally!" declared the fangirl. "Now I can fawn in peace!"

Xena Warrior Princess, glared at the writers of this fan fiction.

"Killing children?" Xena raised an eyebrow.

The writers looked up guiltily from their computer and quickly wrote the child back into existence. Only this time, they put the child in a loving home. She had been adopted by a lovely gay couple in picturesque town in the Swiss Alps.

"Xena," one of the writers began, "how do you always get us to do what you want?"

"I have many skills," snarled Xena.

The writers cowered.

"She's my hero!" glowed Hermione, gesturing to the warrior woman. "I have a poster of her above my bed!"

"I've seen it," said Blaise from the headlock in between Lupin's arms. "She has matching armor. She makes me cosplay as Ares…"

The writers tilted their heads to admire their collective imagining bubble.

Hermione got everyone back on track.

"Fawn later," she said to the fangirl.

"You!" she pointed at Jacob. "Random shirtless minion, I need you and your werewolf buddies' help—"

"To take our shirts off at parties and get really rich?" interjected Jacob.

Hermione paused, considering.

"Yes, but later. For now, I need your help to sniff out where the veil was moved after Sirius' "death". This is your mission leader, Lupin!"

Lupin looked up from wrestling Blaise.

"Does this mean my shirt has to stay off too?" asked Lupin, looking at Jacob's abs.

Snape rolled his eyes.

"Do we really need to answer that?" scoffed Hermione.

"Well, Remus," drawled Snape, "do you have any ideas how to find the new location of the veil?"

Sheepishly, Remus reached into his trouser pocket and withdrew a pair of boxer shorts with a pattern of little motorbikes on them.

"I have a pair of Sirius' pants…er…conveniently in my pocket. I should be able to sniff him out with these and the help of the Twilight and True Blood werewolves." He gave a nod to Jacob. He passed them over to Hermione for inspection.

Hermione fingered the fabric of the pants. This would make things much easier.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hermione's Gestapo-esque Search of Hogwarts**

Hermione removed the pants from her plastic evidence envelope, giving it to Lupin to sniff. Lupin then passed them around to the other werewolves. Jacob nodded in understanding, and they were off.

Donning a vaguely fascist-looking ensemble, Hermione lead the werewolves by the numerous leads in her hands. No area or room was safe from her inquisition. She burst into room after room, without warning, terrifying the occupants who were often in varying stages of undress, on the toilet, brewing potions of dubious intent, or doing other boring things not worth typing out.

Even the professors' quarters were subject to search. Hermione urged the werewolves towards Professor McGonagall's quarters in the professors' wing. Without warning, not even a courtesy knock, she unnecessarily blasted apart the wooden planks with a particularly strong Impedimenta spell, bits of wood and cast iron flying every which way. As the debris settled, Hermione took in the unusual scene before them.

There, bound naked to a judges table, was Simon Cowell. Professor McGonagall was dressed in a rather severe looking suit with a mandarin collar and the hairstyle of… Anne Robinson, the host of the Weakest Link?

Even Hermione was shocked.

"McGonagall!"

"Uh…hello there, Miss. Granger. Aren't you supposed to be off finding a veil or something of the sort?"

"Yes, but this is veeeery interesting," said Hermione, leaning against the frame of the blasted doorway and folding her arms.

"Oh, like you've never kidnapped a celebrity for your own purposes before," snapped the transfiguration professor, blushing.

"True that!" interjected the Kpop idol Heechul suddenly, as he wandered over to join Hermione in doorframe lounging. "So far, she's captured fifty of us. Like Pokémon. But I'm the prettiest."

"I want Paula Abdul!" called Simon from the table.

" That makes two of us," remarked Professor McGonagall. "Unfortunately, however, she is currently in narcotics rehabilitation and is unavailable for this fan fiction."

"Ok," said Hermione, "well I guess we'll leave you to it then…Need anything? Whips? Handcuffs? Ice mice…they're rather fun if you're creative. Alcohol?"

"Waaaay ahead of you, Miss. Granger," replied McGonagall as she pulled out a ball gag, handcuffs and a flask.

"Well, that's disturbing," remarked Hermione and shut the door. "Let's go, Heechul."

This time, she moved on to the Hufflepuff dormitory. Pulling out the list of passwords which she had stolen from Snape, she muttered the password, 'Cedric Pattinson penis', and walked through the pile of large barrels which disguised the entrance.

She stopped short as she, her werewolf team , and Heechul entered. There, laying upon a sacrificial alter, was one of her treasured Kpop idols, Key. Above him, poised to plunge an ancient-looking knife into the prone Korean boy, stood Ernie Macmillan.

"Hey!" cried Hermione, outraged. "You can't just take my stuff! I'm using that! What part of 'Don't touch my SHINee' did you not understand? It's posted all over my idol room!"

Sobbing, Key blathered in Korean.

"What did he say?" inquired Hermione to Heechul.

Looking for all the world like he came across scenes like this every day, Heechul translated. "He said he's actually glad to see your face this time and that he was stolen from Draco and Harry's quarters."

Hermione and Heechul went over to comfort Key.

Hermione twitched slightly.

"I'm all for Draco and Harry experimenting in their relationship, but they should have _asked_ me if they could borrow him," she seethed through clenched teeth.

She rounded on Ernie and the Hufflepuffs cowering behind him.

"And just _what exactly _were you hoping to achieve by sacrificing poor Key?" she asked angrily.

When Ernie failed to answer, Hannah Abbott shyly spoke up. "Well, after watching how you sacrificed Lavender to the Cliff Gods, we figured we could make them an offering too. If we sacrifice something pretty, like Key, we thought they may give us something pretty in return…like Cedric Pattinson."

Hermione sighed. "I can see your logic, but unfortunately it wouldn't have worked; Cedric Pattinson is _not_ pretty."

The Hufflepuffs gave a collective gasp of shock.

_Finding_ his courage, Ernie raised a finger of disagreement. "We _find_ that he is," he said with a shit-eating smile on his face.

Hermione's lip curled. "Well, **I** _find_ that arguing with Hufflepuffs is completely inane. DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF. Your punishment is, you are banned from _finding_ for three months."

Ernie crossed his arms and shrugged. "Honey Badger don't care," he smirked.

Hermione waved her wand and effortlessly transfigured him into a badger. She eyed the Hufflepuffs again.

" Any other honey badgers out there? No? Didn't think so. "

Now beginning to feel a bit wary of closed doors, Hermione firmly shut the door as they exited the Hufflepuff dormitory.

"That's it," she burst. "I can't take this. I need to take an inventory of my Korean idol collection. Lupin, shirtless man-wolves, you're on your own for a while. I've got stuff to do. Come on, Heechul and bring Key."

And with that, Hermione left to brood over the idea of _Hufflepuffs_, of all people, touching her pretty boys. Stalking angrily to the Room of Requirement, she paced back and forth in front of the wall, thinking of her intentions while Heechul crouched down trying to lure Mrs. Norris to come to him.

Mrs. Norris had heard of Heechul's reputation for dressing cats in absurd costumes and making them dance to wave music and so stayed the fuck away.

Key stared into space, still recovering from his near death experience with the Hufflepuffs. Hufflepuffs were always traumatizing.

The door to the room of requirement materialized in front of them, and Hermione, Heechul, and Key entered. The 48 remaining idols paused in their various activities. Some were playing StarCraft, some were wrestling, some were practicing their dance moves, some were reading comics, and others were having gay sex.

Heechul ushered Key over to the waiting arms of the other members of his group, SHINee, where he dissolved into healing tears. Minho comforted Key with snuggles.

Hermione cast a sonorous charm on herself and addressed the idols.

"Everyone! It has come to my attention that Hufflepuffs have been touching you. Your noona is sorry! We'll get that Huffle-stench right out! Bath time, everyone!

She led the group out of the room, and the idols watched as Hermione began her pacing again, with new intention. The door re-materialized, and the group trooped back inside to the large, sparkling clean Korean-style bathhouse. As they filed in, Harry and Draco were just coming out of the sauna area, munching on some baked eggs.

Harry's face broke into a smile as he spotted her.

"Hermione! Did you know we have a Korean bathhouse in here? Blaise just told us about it."

"Of course I knew. I make Blaise wash my idols. How do you think he knows about it?"

"I suppose that makes sense," said Harry. "Anyway, it's super relaxing. I feel so refreshed."

"As long as you're here," Hermione said with narrowed eyes, "why don't you help me wash the idols to make up for playing with Key without my permission?"

Harry and Draco fought to arrange their faces into some kind of expression which conveyed that they actually considered this a punishment and not a reward.

"Damn," said Harry with an unconvincing sigh, "if we must."

"Sometimes," said Draco, "I love being in this fan fiction." He paused. "But I hate the writers," he added.

"Yes," agreed Hermione, "before we begin this super-fun-bath-time-awesome-sauce-extravaganza, let's take a minute to think about how much we all hate the authors so very much."

A moment of silence fell upon the group. Then, bath time ensued.

**The Finding of the Veil**

After her idols were sufficiently de-Hufflepuffed, Hermione flooed back to her own house to think. She needed to relax. She always got her strokes of genius when she meditated by staring at herself in the mirror. She almost gracefully tumbled out of the fireplace, said hello to her parents, shlumped upstairs, and plopped herself onto the stool in front of her vanity.

Hermione stared deep into her own eyes, marveling at her own awesomeness. She took a deep breath and let her mind wander. It wandered far and wide, over the abs of Blaise, down Draco's pants, around Harry's v-line, and to the sweat that had dripped down McGonagall's wrinkled chest when she had— her mind recoiled. No…that was the wrong line of thought.

She centered herself and tried again. Just then, she had the most brilliant idea! Severus _had_ to be informed immediately.

Flying past her bewildered parents who sat having their evening sherries, she flooed back to Hogwarts and rushed back to the professors' wing— casting a disdainful glance at McGonagall's door as she passed it, she stopped in front of Snape's door.

Ignoring the random sign reading, "HERMIONE KEEP OUT" and the one which became visible after she peeled off that one reading, "I'M DEAD SERIOUS."

She meandered through his quarters, randomly moving everything a quarter of an inch to the left, over to the sound of running water coming from the bathroom.

Peeling yet another sign off the bathroom door's lock, over which it was pasted, reading "GODDAMN IT, HERMIONE." She burst through the door, fueled by the aforementioned genius notion which could lead to even more marketing opportunities.

"Severus, I had a brilliant idea! What about a blanket with SLEEVES?! We could put Harry's face all over th-" she stopped quite short, seeing Lupin and Snape in an…um? Awkward position? She tilted her head.

"Lupin! What are you doing here?"

"Well," started Lupin as he stood proudly with a wolfish smile, "I kept getting led back here as I was sniffing out the veil. I thought it was odd. What would the scent of Sirius and the veil be doing in Severus' quarters? But I couldn't let it go. I followed it, and Severus was having a shower…and one thing led to another…and um…long story short," he said as his dick popped in and out of Severus's mouth like and obscenely large lollipop, "that's the veil."

He pointed at the shower curtain hanging next to them.

Snape stood up and wiped his mouth, using some of the water from the shower to rinse.

"Hermione, I know you habitually ignore all the postings which tell you otherwise, but I MEANT STAY OUT! You're interrupting my… cleansing ritual." He said with a withering glance at Lupin. "I didn't even get to finish…" he mumbled.

Paying no mind to Snape's protestations, Hermione critically examined the "shower curtain" now adorning his "cleansing chamber".

"Severus, where did you get this?" We've been looking for this EVERYWHERE, and it's been hanging here the whole time?"

"Well as you may or may not know, I happen to be an avid bargain shopper. I was at the Ministry of Magic auction last week, while I was looking for new candy dishes for my office, I stumbled across this bit of fabric and thought it would be a great replacement for the shower curtain Lupin and I destroyed last it…um, never mind. The point is, I needed a new shower curtain, anyhow. Is it really the veil? I just thought it was cute."

There are no words to describe the horror Hermione and Lupin felt hearing the word "cute" escape Snape's usually sardonic mouth.

Lupin tore down the veil quickly cutting off any further explanations from Snape.

"Well then, shall we be off to find Sirius?" Lupin said quickly. "NOW."

"But," continued Hermione, "How did YOU not go through the veil? You've been going through it every time you have a shower."

"Obviously," said Snape, I don't _dive_ into my shower head first, now do I? It would appear that a good bit of momentum is required."

"I _guess_ that's a satisfactory explanation…" agreed Hermione reluctantly. "It is better than Dumbledore's explanations."

Taking the veil from Lupin's toned arms, she looked back.

"I'll just leave you two to…um…clean up then, shall I?"

"No!" said Lupin. "I'm coming directly."

He tried to leave the bath.

"Indeed you will," Snape smirked and pulled him back.


	6. A Flame Inspired Interlude

**ATTENTION:** Today's update is a special interlude that was inspired by a lovely flame given to us by an anonymous user, Qzer, on AdultFF. We're not sure how this combination of letters is pronounced, so we're going call him/her "Penis" for the sake of convenience. Penis writes, "Pathetic."

Well, Penis. We are so excited to inform you that YOU'RE OUR FIRST FLAMER! *Confetti flies* In honor of your constructive flaming, Penis, we have written this special scene just for you and for everyone who enjoys Ron dying in new and exciting ways~~

As you may have noticed, we removed your flame from the comments section. This was required for the magic we used to bring it out of every-day-mundane reality and into the dazzlingly gay world of our fan fiction. Upon introduction to the fan fiction's somewhat toxic atmosphere, the flame comment which Penis submitted sparked an immediate chain reaction in the fiction world.

With a sonic boom, the flame burst into the Harry Potter Fan Fiction Universe, and the word 'PAAAATHETIIIIIIIC' vibrated through the very magical air, setting Hermione's teeth on edge.

The magical charge in the air gave Hermione a kind of energy, the likes of which she hadn't felt since last night when she tied up Blaise and tested her new mail order toy on him. She suddenly knew this day, she needed to do something special. She found herself fiddling with the Resurrection Stone again.

There, in his puff of dark purple gay smoke, stood Ron Weasley. He looked annoyed and immediately began complaining.

Hermione's eyes flashed and she cast a very potent OBLIVIATE on the annoying redhead.

Ron's face went slack as all genetic coding which allowed the brain to send messages to vital organs within the body drained away. Ron's body seized, and his face began turning purple. He was dying in the most pathetic way possible: forgetting to breathe.

Hermione called everyone in the story so far into the room to gaze and comment about how pathetic Ron Weasley had been.

There was much rejoicing and a massive party. Everyone gave thanks to Penis for the flame comment. They had a massive orgy which Snape filmed.

* * *

Let it be known that all flames shall be removed from your reality and brought into our own. We're not responsible for the consequences, the flamers are. If you want us to kill Ron in a special way, leave us a flame (or a nice comment) including key terms you would like incorporated into his manner of death. We love you, Penis! We also love nice comments more than we love Penis...teehee.

-Miki and Daxxi


	7. Chapter 6

**Through the ****Looking Glass ****Veil**

"Good smelling, Lupin and um…good bargain hunting, Severus?" said Harry awkwardly. "Now, that we've found the veil, we're sure to bring back Sirius!"

The group gave a small "hurrah!", and there was much rejoicing. Draco, who really didn't give a shit, shrugged his elegant shoulders and primped in his hand-held mirror.

It was a large group, as they were unsure what they would find on the other side. There, gathered Harry and Draco, Lupin and Snape, the Weasley Beater Gang, Gandalf and Aslan the Lion, Neville (for obvious fluffing reasons), and Blaise.

Hermione stood at the head of the group. Her wand at the ready, she raised her left hand to pull aside the veil. It fluttered in the non-existent wind. She jerked her hand back in surprise as the sound of whispering voices carried toward them on whatever was causing the veil to move. With a deep breath, Hermione stepped forward and led the group through the veil.

Darkness greeted her vision, and the whispering grew louder. She walked toward the sound which was becoming more distinct. Finally, she could discern what was being said.

"What's the answer to the third essay question, Phil?"

"Shut it. You're going to get me in trouble."

Where were those voices coming from?

Dim lights materialized out of nowhere, and Hermione and the others found themselves in a large hall. The floors gleamed in the light glowing from the sconces mounted on the walls. In front of them was a raised platform, spewing fire intermittently into the air. A resounding voice rang out.

"**WHO DARES TRESPASS UPON THE TURF OF THE CLIFF GODS?**"

The flames flared again.

"We do," Hermione rolled her eyes. "Obviously."

"**SILENCE!** " Roared the voice of the Cliff Gods. "**AND PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE FIRST YEAR PHILOSOPHY CLASS BEHIND THE CURTAIN!**"

"What curtain?" asked Hermione, peering into some of the darker shadows around them, spying some draped fabric, casually labeled, 'THIS IS NOT A CURTAIN.'

"Oh! That curtain." She pulled back the curtain to reveal what appeared to be…a classroom? With a test in progress?

The students simultaneously stopped their writing to stare as one collective expression of surprise at Hermione.

"What the fuck?" asked Hermione.

The voice of the Cliff Gods sighed.

"**SO NOW YOU KNOW THE SECRET OF PROPHECY. THIS IS WHERE ALL PROPHECIES ARE CREATED- IN THIS FIRST YEAR PHILOSOPHY CLASS. THEY BASICALLY WRITE PAPERS BULLSHITTING WHATEVER THEY JUST LEARNED AND **_**POOF!**_** SOME OF THEM END UP AS YOUR NEWEST PROPHECY**."

The class continued staring, frozen, at Hermione.

"Quick!" muttered one of the students out of the corner of his mouth. "Somebody write something about how the curtain she thinks she's seeing is a metaphor for the Socratic Cave, and this is the world of Forms!"

"Idiot," said another student. "She's not going to believe that. She's staring right at us!"

"At the _Form _of us!" corrected the first student. He was abruptly silenced by the collision of a Philosophy 101 textbook with his head.

"I know!" said another student. "Let's write a paper about Harry as a Christ figure!"

Gandalf and Aslan cracked their knuckles threateningly.

"Don't I get a say in anything?" wailed Harry.

"Yes," said Draco. "You do. You can choose if you want to blow me now or later." He paused. "On second thought… Open your mouth."

Everyone looked politely away except for Neville who trotted forward inquisitively.

"Does anybody need a flu—" He was silenced as Snape clamped a hand over the boy's mouth and dragged him away.

"Ahem!"

Everybody turned at the sudden clearing of a throat. Seated at a desk at the front of the classroom, a woman in dress with sweeping bell sleeves looked up from her book in annoyance.

"Well," said the woman, "I suppose that concludes today's pop quiz. Students, quills down and pass your papers forward."

The class groaned and a few scribbled furiously, trying to get in a last word until their quills soared out of their hands and landed neatly in a pile on the woman's desk.

"Since our lesson has been so rudely interrupted," she glared at Hermione and the group cowering behind her and directed her attention back to her students, "I will cut class short today. However, I want to briefly remind you of our discussion last lesson about the misogyny inherent in the Tale of King Arthur. I hope you were paying attention because this will be the topic for your mid-term theses."

Timidly, a student raised his hand. "Ummm…Lady Morgana? Aren't we supposed to develop our

own thesis topics?"

"SHUT IT!" she bellowed. "I want eight inches." She paused, grinning suggestively. "I also want a six page essay by Friday. Class dismissed!"

The students collected their belongings, muttering miserably to one another and trooped out of the classroom, squeezing past Hermione and the others.

Lady Morgana returned her attention to Hermione. "Now, where is it that you are trying to be? Or did you want to take my lesson? I get so few female students."

"I'm sorry," Draco cut in, "did he say _Lady Morgana_? As in the Morgan Le Fay from the Tale of King Arthu—" Draco stopped short as the ground began to shake, and alarm bells started ringing.

"WARNING!" an official-sounding voice rang out. "WE HAVE REACHED MAXIMUM CAPACITY."

The ceiling overhead began swirling above them and deepened to a blood red color. Lightning and other universe shattering things crisscrossed the swirling vortex.

Trembling, Harry clung to Draco for support.

Trembling, Hermione wrapped her arms about herself for support.

"What in the name of Camelot is going on?!" cried Hermione.

Sweeping over to the group, Morgana bellowed over the alarm bells and announcements.

"**The amount of crossover in this fan fiction has destabilized the multiverse**!" she yelled over the cacophony of sound.

Morgana looked at the large group of characters from various fantasy universes before her.

"Some of your group have got to go."

Aslan hung his majestic mane, gave a ginormous Christ-figure-lion sigh and shrugged.

"I'll go," he declared. "Sacrifice is kind of my thing. I have to lead some children someplace anyway. Besides, wardrobes are really more my shtick. I like to sharpen my claws on the wood."

"You asshole!" cried Hermione, ignoring the dust falling into her hair from the shaking around them . "You did that to my wardrobe?! I thought it was Blaise that time when I locked him…er…never mind that. But did you have to chew my shoes too?!"

Lupin looked up guiltily as the universe gave another dimension-shattering lurch.

"Actually," he timidly interjected, "that was me." He looked away. "Sorry."

"I hate to interrupt this critical conversation," Snape dryly commented, "but might I suggest we address the issue at hand?"

He turned to Aslan, looking all-the-while like he would like to accompany the personified beast out of this universe and to the nearest pub and merely said, "thank you."

Aslan bowed his head and was gone.

Gandalf sighed and took a thoughtful pull on his pipe.

"I suppose self-sacrifice is rather my thing as well, isn't it?"

Lupin gave a sympathetic shrug, and Gandalf hurried to catch up with Aslan.

The shaking slowed to a stop, the soniferous voice quieted, the ceiling vortex vanished, and the alarms fell silent.

"So," Morgana turned calmly back to Hermione, "what brings you to the realm of the Cliff Gods? We do not get too many visitors."

"We need to get to the other side of the veil," stated Hermione simply. "Can you show us the way?"

"Of course I can," smiled Morgana with a glint in her eyes, "for the small and, I feel, reasonable price of a blood sacrifice."

"Done." Hermione did not bat an eye and simply whipped out the resurrection stone. She turned her back, fiddled, and POOF! There stood re-reanimated Ron Weasley.

Ron stumbled and attempted to grasp his new surroundings. But before he could mutter a single syllable, Hermione and Snape exchanged a quick glance of understanding. Like a flash of lightning, Snape drew his wand, crying, "_SECTUM SEMPRA!_"

Blood gushed from all of Ron's major cables, and the boy-who-complained-through-mouthfuls-of-food collapsed, dead once again, in a heap on the floor.

Morgana eyed Snape with a new appreciation and….lust?! She seemed to search for an appropriate response and eventually settled on, "Well done."

Effortlessly, Morgana conjured a ball of white, misty light in her outstretched hand.

"This way," she said, leading them down a series of tunnels and hallways.

They seemed to twist endlessly until, at last, they reached a dead end. There it stood, fluttering in the non-existent breeze.

"Now," spoke Morgana effortlessly gathering their undivided attention. Her voice was simply commanding. Even the Weasley Beater Gang stopped their various mischievous activities and listened carefully. "due to the damage caused by the universe overload of crossover characters, I can no longer be sure where the veil portal will come out in the other universe. It used to be on the grounds of Hogwarts, but now it could be anywhere. In the sky, a busy road, Azkaban, or even the middle of a stone wall. You have been warned. Do you wish to proceed?"

"Yes," answered Hermione confidently.

"Very well," intoned Morgana, "then I shall see you upon your return, _if_ you return." And with that, she turned at walked away.

"Neville," commanded Hermione, "bring the torch closer. I want to examine the veil."

Neville waded to the front of the group toward Hermione. Hermione drew in a calming breath, staring at the fluttering fabric, and pushed Neville through.

"HEY!—" cried Neville with a splash.

"Sounds like the portal has moved near water," concluded Snape. "Bubblehead charms, everyone."

Casting their charms, the group made its way through to the other side of the veil.


	8. Chapter 7

**Veil as the Mirror Universe (WEEEEEEEEEE OPPOSITE LAND!)**

The fellowship trooped one-by-one through the veil, each with their very own special splash. As it turned, out the veil had decided that floating mysteriously above the Black Lake, for no reason but to simply show off that it could, was a spectacular idea. They fell, some more gracefully than others, into the coldness of the lake.

As they tread the black waters and took in their surroundings, they identified the shores of the Hogwarts grounds and made for it, taking advantage of the Bubblehead charms. Well, they all swam for shore save the Weasleys who spied their long-time enemies, the merpeople of the lake. It was rumble time.

Noticing that the Weasleys were headed in the opposite direction, Harry inquired after them.

"Guys, where are you going?" he called.

"We'll catch up," said George elusively, pausing to face Harry. "We've got some stuff to take care of."

Harry gave him a penetrating (hee hee) look, and George succumbed.

"Alright, alright," mumbled George. "We're going to fight the merpeople. We've got a turf war going on in _our_ universe, and I see no reason why we should let it go simply because _these _merpeople don't know about it. Ignorance is no excuse."

Harry blinked at him, trying to understand.

"So…" Harry started, "You're fighting a _turf_ war with aquatic-dwelling creatures over territory you can never inhabit?"

"Yep," George confirmed. "That sums it up pretty succinctly. Battles have been fought over far more inane things. I've personally killed for a Klondike bar."

Harry couldn't respond for a moment. He simply dog paddled silently as he tried to absorb this.

"Right," he said finally. "Cheers then!"

"See you!" chorused the Weasleys and paddled away.

"We'll catch up with you later!" called Hermione from shore as she rang out her mass of wet hair. She grinned malevolently and suddenly flipped her hair, smacking Neville stingingly across the face.

"Ow!"

Harry gave one final incredulous glance at the figures of the Weasleys disappearing in the distance and followed the rest of the fellowship to shore, where Draco was complaining about how the Bubblehead charm had mussed his hair.

They had just cast a drying spell when they noticed wisps of smoke trailing out from behind a tree in the distance. Intrigued, they went to investigate.

As they drew closer, they saw a dark shrouded figure in the center of a beautiful field of daisies. It was a man, his dark and strangely familiar greasy hair adorned by at least five daisy chains. He puffed intermittently on a rather suspicious looking cigarette.

The group crept forward ignoring the pleas of, "No. No. This cannot be happening," from Snape as he trailed at the back of the group in hopeful disbelief.

They trooped up to the figure which appeared to be almost an exact replica of the potions professor…with, of course, the exception of the flowers in his hair.

The Other Snape, shielded his eyes from the sun and peered at them with a look of spacey, begrudging curiosity.

"Intendant Hermione?" he inquired. "Is that you? Your clothing is so," He took another drag from the cigarette, "strange." He eyed her ordinary robes.

Hermione quirked an eyebrow. _Intendant _Hermione? This sounded interesting. She would have to play this carefully.

"Actually," blurted out Neville, "we're from a different dimension entirely."

Hermione shot him a death glare.

"Judging by your presence," continued Neville not noticing Hermione's stare, "it just might be a parallel universe, since we have another Snape too!" He smiled stupidly.

"Cool," snarled Other Snape, "dude," he concluded as a bitter afterthought. "Well, welcome to our universe." His upper lip curled. "Since you are here, would you care to join me in making daisy chains?"

It was strange. Those words which in any other circumstance would have sounded so sweet were uttered in a voice that sounded anything but. Instead, the voice sounded resentful of the question pouring so unwillingly out of his mouth. The voice was a dead match for Their Snape but gave the impression that, although he knew how ridiculous he sounded, he couldn't help but to continue spewing hippie bullshit. Every Snape-particle of his being obviously loathed and fought what was happening.

"Making daisy chains is fun," he twitched with a demented smile.

His smile gave the impression that some external power was forcing it to grin. Like his voice, this grin was more maniacal than welcoming and said quite clearly, 'I'm going to kill you if you take me up on this offer of daisy chain making.'

"No," said Hermione as Their Snape sobbed quietly in the background, "I think we're good."

"But!" protested Neville.

"Shut up, Neville," recommended Draco.

Other Snape peered around the group at Their Snape's hunched form. He got up, daisies falling from his hair and strolled over to the man who was trying so desperately to pretend that this was not happening.

"Wow," said Other Snape in surprise. "It's Other Me. Won't _you_ join me, my brother who finds himself in another universe completely dissimilar from the mirror universe as seen in Star Trek the Original Series and Deep Space Nine?"

The sky darkened but remained otherwise unthreatening. The group looked to the sky.

"Why doesn't this Star Trek-esque universe send the multiverse into crossover overload?" inquired Harry.

"Obviously," explained Lupin urgently, "Because we don't _talk_ about it. We DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. Plus, it already existed on the other side of the veil," he concluded with shifty eyes. "In fact," he continued, "let's agree here and now that if we see something that could potentially be a crossover element, we won't mention it. Try to avoid them. Although," he shuddered, "evidence would seem to show that it shall be a long and perilous journey in which the authors of this fan fiction seek to destroy us in a crossover minefield of doom."

"Curse those girls," snarled Hermione.

"What girls?" asked Harry curiously.

"Oh Harry," sighed Hermione, "just go back to pawing Draco. That's really what you're best at."

Their Snape stomped bitterly on the daisy chains which had fallen to the ground while Other Snape watched him sadly.

"I suppose I should take you to meet the Intendant," Other Snape said, taking one final drag from the cigarette and dropping it on the ground.

"I have a feeling she would be tickled," his lips fought to form the next word, "_pink_…to see you."

"Very well," agreed Hermione. "I want to meet this…_Intendant_ Hermione anyway. Lead the way, Other Snape."


	9. Chapter 8

**MEETING THE INTENDENT****: I****s it really fem slash if it's just two of the same person?**

The group followed Other Snape over the grounds, up the stairs, and through the doors of the castle. Everything looked much as it did in their universe. Same architecture, same paintings, same suits of armor who cat-called at you as you passed. They came to a halt in front of the massive doors of the Great Hall, and Other Snape turned to face them.

"Wait here," he said. "I'll announce you."

He slipped through the doors without offering as much as a glimpse inside. Hermione tapped her toe impatiently and pulled the petals one-by-one off of a daisy she had picked up outside.

The doors opened again, this time invitingly.

"Come forward," called a voice which Hermione recognized as her own.

Hermione lifted her chin and walked forward, the rest of the group following suit behind her.

Apparently, this was where the differences started in this universe. The Great Hall of the Other Hogwarts was set up quite differently from their own. Instead of the many tables set up to accommodate the students of each year and each house, there was a carpet of red velvet which led from the doors up to the raised platform at the head of the hall. There appeared to be no seating other than the elaborately gilded throne across which a woman was lounging.

The woman was a dead ringer for Their Hermione in every way, except for her hair. This Hermione had her short, sleek hair swept back, and a circlet crown rested upon her head. In fact, her entire ensemble looked awfully familiar.

"Why is she wearing a tin foil crown and a cat suit?" Hermione muttered to Other Snape as they walked toward the throne. "She looks like Mirror Universe Major Kira from Star Trek DS9."

As soon as the question was out of her mouth, the enchanted ceiling and the sky outside the tall windows began to darken to an ominous red color. Lightening streaked across the sky, and Neville popped in and out of existence.

"Shut up!" growled Draco. "Stop mentioning other universes! Remember, Lupin said we should avoid talking about them! We're only one crossover short of Universe Blue Screen of Death!"

"Why do you know that?" asked Harry in genuine surprise. "I thought you hated muggle things."

"It's part of Hermione's rehab program, didn't you know? I have to use muggle technology at least twice a day. I even learned how to use Facebook and Twitter! Which reminds me, Hermione you never responded to my Farmville request. BE MY NEIGHBOR, DAMN IT!"

Hermione stopped, much to the dismay of Other Snape. He tried to give significant glances from Hermione back to the Other Hermione on the throne. She pretended not to notice.

"I'm over Facebook, people kept tagging unflattering pictures of me. I'm into Twitter now. I wonder if I get Wi-Fi here…I want to update."

She pulled out her smart phone and grinned when she saw a connection. Still ignoring Other Snape's meaningful looks and the anxious sweat pouring down his face, she started typing on her phone.

A couple of alert beeps sounded, and several of the group took out their phones.

"Hey!" cried Harry as he looked at his phone. "You just tweeted, 'Harry is settling in nicely to being Draco's bitch.' I follow you on Twitter, you know."

"Oh…" Hermione trailed off. "That's a bit awkward, isn't it?"

Finally, Their Snape cleared his throat and drawled, "As _fascinating _as all of this is…can we get on with the story?"

"Yes, Professor," chorused the group and put away their phones.

Just then there was another, more feminine, clearing of a throat as the woman on the throne eyed Their Hermione with interest.

"Hello, gorgeous," she purred to apparently nobody.

"Glorious Intendant," Other Snape drawled, "might I present our visitors from another world. Apparently a world where there exist duplicates of ourselves."

The Intendant sat up, swung her legs around, and leaned forward with interest. Her pupils dilated and she licked her lips.

"How interesting," she remarked with a lingering glance at Hermione. She looked carefully at each member of the group of doppelgangers. "Well, I suppose it makes no difference. They still need to be read the welcome speech. Read it, Hippie Snape!"

*** AUTHORS' NOTE: We know that some of you may be purists, but do yourself a favor, and imagine Alan Rickman Snape voice for the next several paragraphs.* **

Other Snape pulled a rolled sheet of parchment from his sleeve, unfurled it, and began to read.

"Welcome to the kingdom of the," he looked nervously at the Intendant, " um, _merciful _Intendant Hermione Granger. The following speech is the standard Welcome Speech for every new comer to the realm. If anyone needs to go tinkles or get a snack, please do so at this time."

He paused.

"Very well," he continued. "The land, all of its inhabitants, souls, puppies, boy bands, and all other such things are the exclusive property of our glorious Intendant Hermione you-best-bow-your-head Granger. The Intendant would like you to feel welcome and requests that you kindly present your wands for signature testing. This is standard procedure and nothing to be alarmed about. Also, do not be alarmed if she crawls into your bed at night."

He shuddered.

"That is her express right. The laws of our land are not written in stone, and to understand and predict the laws of our land, for indeed they change every month or hour or so, you must first understand and memorize the nauseatingly long list of likes and dislikes of our beloved Intendant. The following are her," he coughed, "_current_ likes: pistachios, cowboys, long walks in the moonlight, margaritas, the letter Q, slave labor, Marmite, the color puce, Rick Astly songs, small dogs, fresh racht, that smell right before it rains, and Justin Bieber."

"Uh, greasy haired tree hugger?"

Intendant Hermione held up a lazy finger.

"I decided that I hate Justin Bieber. Please contact the fan club and have them remove me from the mailing list."

"Duly noted, Intendant."

Other Snape conjured a quill and a jar of ink and crossed it off the parchment.

"Now, on to her dislikes: _Justin Bieber_, chocolate, the letter F, Roonil Wazlib, surprise parties (as of last Saturday), Shirley Temple, tripe, Terry Pratchett, cheese, those prizes that come in cereal boxes, animal crackers (save the lions), me, fangirls, Sailor Pluto, crappy epilogues that take place a strange number of years later, and finally, the authors of this story…"

"We're actually not that fond of them either," interjected Our Hermione.

"INTURUPTING!" cried Other Snape urgently. "She also hates interrupting!"

"I'll excuse it," said Intendant Hermione with a gracious wave of her hand. "She's good-looking and hadn't heard the end of the list yet. I'm _sure_ it won't happen again."

The two Hermiones stared at each other.

"So," began the Intendant, "what brings you to my realm?"

"Well," explained Hermione, "it seems that one of our people has accidentally passed into your world. Quite simply, we want him back."

"Why should I help you…um…my other, er, self…uh…"She thought about it, "Yes, I think that's right."

Hermione brightened.

"Oh! I'm so glad you asked!"

Out of her sleeve, she materialized a list on a sheet of parchment. She cleared her throat.

"Reason number one, I'm really, really good looking. Number two, I want him back. Number three, we can't make our porno without him."

This made the Intendant sit up straight.

"Porno? Why didn't you say so?" she cried incredulously. "That's a hippogriff of a different color. Of course you're free to go…on one tiny condition."

She fluttered her eyelashes, becomingly.

"I see you have a Blaise. I had a Blaise too," she leered at Hermione's pet.

Blaise paled and swallowed.

"_Had_?!" he squeaked, his eyes wide in terror.

"Oh, yes," the Intendant confirmed, crossing her legs. "I caught him fooling around with Draco Malfoy." She glared in Draco's direction. "I see you have a _Malfoy_ too."

Draco nervously flipped his hair out of his eyes and clutched at Harry, who mumbled, "There's a Draco in this universe?" over his ball gag.

The Intendant rolled her eyes.

"Yes, the Malfoys are some bleeding heart family. Those stupid Hufflepuffs are the bane of my existence."

Draco's knees weakened at his precious family name being associated with the word _Hufflepuff_.

"They always want me to sign stupid animal rights petitions." She made a gagging gesture. "So anyway, long story short, I had to tear my Blaise limb from limb."

Blaise crept closer to his Hermione.

"I also had the Malfoys banned from the castle." She glared at Draco more intensely before shifting her eyes back to Hermione with a placating smile.

"So, you let me borrow your Blaise, and you're free to go explore, or whatever it is you just said…I wasn't listening that closely. You may have him when and if you return. I promise," she held up her hand, "scout's honor, that I won't harm a hair on his," she smirked, "person."

Hermione looked skeptical. "I somehow don't believe you were ever a scout but fine. It seems I have little choice."

Blaise looked at her with puppy eyes. Well, the eyes of a puppy who knows that the animal shelter's populace is nearing capacity, and it's been here far too long.

Hermione cast a penetrating look at the Indentant.

"If I find anything…missing….from my Blaise, I will be very, very unhappy."

The Intendant smirked.

"I'm sure I understand."

"Shall we make it official with an unbreakable vow?" pressed Hermione to the Indendant's dismay."

"Very well," sighed the Intendant. "If I must."

Blaise looked moderately relieved.

Hermione stroked him.

"Don't worry Blaise. Just pretend she's a slightly more psychotic version of me."

Blaise choked down a sob.


	10. Chapter 9

**A Brave New Parallel World  
**

The Fellowship trooped out of the castle and walked through the almost-familiar-Hogsmeade.

"So," inquired Harry, "now that we're here, any ideas about how to find Sirius?"

Snape looked thoughtful.

"Well, in our universe, there was only one person who had a more extensive secret-knowing-shit-you're-not-supposed-to-know network than Dumbledore— Lucius Malfoy."

He gave the group a scathing look as all but Draco looked offended by the statement.

"You may not like the Death Eaters, but we knew a lot of shit. It's how we got _not killed_ by our crazy Dark Lord master. He had strange whims," Snape reminisced, "like Sock Day. Everyone not wearing the socks of the secret color of the day lost a finger…or an ear…sometimes he wasn't watching where he was aiming." He paled a bit. "Which is how we got the eunuch choir."

"These are all fascinating things I never wanted to know," Hermione states as she buffed her nails on her robe. "You can stop talking now."

Snape gave an exasperated sigh.

"Well, my point is, the Intendant mentioned that the Malfoys exist in this universe too. Perhaps that would be a good starting point."

"You may have a point," agreed Hermione reluctantly. "Ok, I know Draco and Harry are dying to meet them anyway. Let's go."

She paused, thinking.

"It's a reasonable assumption that the Malfoy Manor is in the same location in this universe. It seems that both Hogwarts and Hogsmeade are in the same location, all be it with different details. Shall we apparate?"

The group nodded their understanding and they were gone.

Hey guys, thanks to those of you who have been following our crazy~ We appreciate the reviews! More to come soon. Ready to meet the Mirror Universe Malfoys? Run! You fools!

-Miki and Daxxi


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